less doing



Esther Perel –

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# Episode 117

**Summary:** In Episode #117 Ari shares the Less Doing Podcast with famed Belgian psychotherapist and relationship consultant, [Esther Perel]( During the show, Ari talks to Esther about her career-long examination of sexual health and the meaning behind _Erotic Intelligence_.

**Time Stamped Show Notes:**

– 21:57 – Introduction of Esther Perel

– 22:15 – Esther defines _Erotic Intelligence_

– 22:50 – Eroticism is not just sexuality, it is how we bring imagination, creativity, novelty, curiosity, focus and intentionality into our lives

– 23:15 – _Can intimacy kill your sex-life?_

– 24:05 – Intimacy lives in the realm of security, stability and predictability

– 24:13 – Sexuality lives in the realm of discovery, novelty and the unknown

– 24:27 – Good intimacy does _not _guarantee good sex

– 24:53 – The thing that is safe isn’t always the thing that can excite

– 26:39 – Curiosity is good; it helps to ward of complacency

– 27:42 – Understand how to evaluate the health of your creativity and imagination; do you bring something new to every situation?

– 28:17 – Uncertainty is _crucial _to passion

– 28:38 – To keep things interesting it is necessary to remain engaged

– 29:10 – Find a way to remain fully alive and hungry

– 30:58 – The difficulty of monogamy?—It is not natural

– 31:10 – Monogamy is a cultural system and a _choice _people make

– 31:51 – “Monogamy as a dual-gender, voluntary conviction is about 60 years old”

– 32:09 – Monogamy is a _continuum_

– 32:35 – In most heterosexual couples, monogamy is assumed rather than negotiated and this is a weakness

– 33:00 – Monogamy is assumed far less in homosexual couples, particularly gay men

– 33:40 – Managing the unnaturalness of monogamy

– 34:00 – The fact that something isn’t natural doesn’t mean it is not justifiable within a cultural framework

– 34:18 – Most couples do not talk about sex, and if they do, they do not converse with the person with whom they have the sex

– 36:00 – Only examining your sexual health when a mistake is made (like infidelity) is akin to only checking your cardiovascular health when you’re in the emergency room

– 36:30 – Western culture talks with great frequency about sexual disease, sexual dysfunction and sexual betrayal, but we fail to discuss sexual _health_

– 37:25 – How the continuum of monogamy looks over time

– 37:37 – People apply to committed relationships a model that they would _never _apply to their businesses

– 40:33 – Make the time to talk to your partner, don’t be afraid to ask the big questions

– 41:11 – Esther Perel’s _Top 3 Tips for Being More Effective_:

– 41:23 – It is _essential _to be accountable – responsibility _is _freedom

– 41:53 – It is easy to be critical, it is far more difficult to be appreciative

– 42:21 – Nothing we achieve is ever done alone

– 43:12 – [](

**7 Key Points:**

  1. Success is impossible alone.
  2. Accountability and responsibility increase personal freedom.
  3. Learn to be appreciative no matter how difficult it may seem.
  4. Good intimacy and good sex do _not _go hand-in-hand.
  5. Curiosity is the best medicine in combating complacency.
  6. Monogamy is not natural; rather it is a social and cultural construct.
  7. Just because something is not natural, does not mean it is not _acceptable _within the confines of a structured society.

**Resources Mentioned:**

– [How to Eat Healthy]( – Article from Barking Up the Wrong Tree featuring strategies to help people make better dietary decisions

– [Health Benefits of Being a Woma — Send in a voice message: